Am I a sadist/ Masochist?

In my work as a dominatrix, I have encountered both polarities (sadist/ masochist) and this has led me to reflect deeply on the nature of pain and on the desire to give or receive it.
What I have witnessed in many of my submissives is that spanking and flogging make them feel alive. In those moments, they are feeling something instead of being completely numb.
This is often the case for men who have used logic and the mind as protection in their everyday lives, as a way not to feel too much. But that is not sustainable.
Eventually, what has been pushed down begins to seek expression. And sometimes it comes up as a kink — as a way of searching for balance, as a way of returning to feeling, to sensation, to the body.
In that sense, spanking and flogging can become tools.

But they are not the destination.

They are a stage.

What comes after is deeper.
What comes after is the possibility of allowing oneself to feel alive without the need for pain. To feel the body, the heart, the truth of one’s own aliveness without needing suffering as the doorway.

That, to me, is where the deeper healing begins.

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